Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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