im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Who died my cat blue again?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
