I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
