I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I need to sanitize my soul.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
