Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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