I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My vagina is very pro this idea
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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