If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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