I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
it was like eating out sand paper
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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