You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i came on her dog
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
