my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
