i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
