The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
