my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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