i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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