I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
bring money and cleavage
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
