I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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