we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
