do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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