Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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