in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
