My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
