i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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