I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
