I wanna bring you to show and tell
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
