Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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