i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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