Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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