im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
