forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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