It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
