So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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