Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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