so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
