I will die if light touches me.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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