Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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