I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
