It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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