wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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