whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
