I can't breathe out the right side of my face
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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