If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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