my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I have aggressive nipples.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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