i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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