I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
