Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
