I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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