I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
