Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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