ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
