i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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