Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
