My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
