i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
