Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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