Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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