He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
