i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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