Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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