There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
