You can't special order awesome
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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