I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
